"How long do you have to get hit in the head before you start asking who's hitting you in the head?"

Friday, July 16, 2010

Sex in Christ

Let your boyfriend hit ya where the good lord split ya!

[M]any Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)
Parody or not? You decide

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Monday, May 24, 2010


Apparently, special additives in Winston cigarettes help build strong muscles...

...but may also cause substantial hair loss.

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Sunday, May 16, 2010


They sell beer in vending machines here! I'm working, so I haven't bought any (yet), but I've seen other people do it. They also sell this:

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I'm in Tokyo!

And my trip is off to a very good start. Here's what I found, right off the bat, at Narita airport:

Who knows what treasures I'll discover next...

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Not Dead...

...just working my ass off. I'm leaving for Japan on Friday; maybe I'll post a blurry, poorly framed picture or two.

Before I disappear again, though: Is it me, or have police officers been tasering the shit out of people lately? When Tasers were first introduced, I distinctly remember they were hailed as an alternative to the use of deadly force. Apparently that's no longer the case...or maybe running onto a ball field, failing to sign a traffic ticket, or exercising one's right to free speech are capital offenses these days.

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Friday, October 30, 2009


I'm in Brussels!

This city is pretty darn cool. Tomorrow I'll be in BerlinI hear it's a happenin' place, too...


Sunday, September 13, 2009

You Learn Something New Every Day!

For example, I always thought that the UN voted to create the state of Israel, but apparently it was created by a miracle—and the UN "has hated them [sic] ever since." Also, I always believed natural disasters were, um, natural, but apparently they're sent by a homicidal deity* who goes absolutely batshit whenever anyone "messes with" his favorite patch of dirt.

See for yourself:

This explains a lot, doesn't it?

is scary—to His enemies."

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Prosperity Gospel

Also known as "Wish in one hand and shit in the other":
Stephen Biellier, a long-distance trucker from Mount Vernon, Mo., said he and his wife, Millie, came to the convention praying that this would be “the overcoming year.” They are $102,000 in debt, and the bank has cut off their credit line, Mrs. Biellier said.

[. . .]

The Bielliers were at the convention a few years ago when a supporter made a pitch for people to join an “Elite CX Team” to raise money to buy the ministry a Citation X airplane. (Mr. Copeland is an airplane aficionado who got his start in ministry as a pilot for Oral Roberts.) At that moment, Mrs. Biellier said she heard the voice of the Holy Spirit telling her, “You were born to support this man.”

She gave $2,000 for the plane, and recently sent $1,800 for the team’s latest project: buying high-definition television equipment to upgrade the ministry’s international broadcasts.
I almost feel sorry for these poor, dumb crackers...

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My Pet Phone

mr. olio bought me an iPhone (thanks, sugar!), and I’m having a lot of fun playing around with it. I’ve put all my contacts and a few playlists on it, of course, and I also have Shazam and a few other cool little things. I got the free Kindle app, too, which I really like—yesterday at lunch I started reading and overshot my break time by fifteen minutes. Luckily, I’m the boss, and because I’m always really busy and usually pretty grumpy, I just walked quickly back into the office with an unhappy expression on my face and no one suspected a thing. I think.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Obligatory Michael Jackson Post

Not a fan by any means, although I really liked the Jackson 5 when I was a girl. I was impacted by his death, though, because this afternoon traffic in Westwood was particularly awful and it took me a long time to get home.

2 Jesus Juices, please! And stop staring at my eyebrows, nose, lips, and chin!

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Obligatory Heath Care Post

mr. olio and I took a nice little vacation up the coast. No computers, no cell phones, no work—it was lovely. We walked on the beach and flew kites every day and read books and ate like horses every night—good times! When we got back I had another appointment with the retina specialist and got some very good news: I won’t need a fourth injection for a while, if ever.

I’m lucky in that I have insurance, but so far I’ve had to wait for over a month each time for the insurance company to authorize my treatments—and while I'm waiting for authorization I always expect to be turned down because I’ve exceeded some arbitrary limit. Oh: And they won’t even pay for the drug, I have to! And I’d be screwed if I ever lost my job and either needed to purchase my own policy or to get insurance through another employer, because then I’d be blacklisted on account of my “pre-existing condition.”

So whenever I hear politicians say “socialized medicine” means delays in treatment or compromised care, I think to myself, “That sounds exactly like what I’ve got right now, minus the premiums, co-pays, and nagging insecurity!”

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I always wondered why chocolate is toxic to dogs...

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Monday, March 09, 2009

Same Old, Same Old

I just got back from Switzerland, and tomorrow I leave for the UK. In between, a virus attacked my retinas, so last Friday I had to have AN INJECTION IN MY FREAKIN’ EYEBALL. It was as creepy as it sounds.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009


...you ignorant, bloodthirsty piece of shit.

“Hello?...Tony? Pootie?....anybody there?”

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Harold and Maudlin

Mr. olio had to work today, so I'm recording the Eagles/Giants game so we can watch it together when he gets home. In the meantime, I'm watching trying to watch Harold and Maude. I've never seen it before, although I'd always heard really good things about it. So far, though, I think it's awful.

Maybe it gets better?



Thursday, January 08, 2009


We just had an earthquake. It felt much stronger than last year's, but it didn't last as long. It's such a freaky feeling—I'm dizzy! I hope everybody is okay...

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Okay, So Maybe I Do Believe in Miracles...

Dolphins win! Dolphins win!

Mr. olio contributed greatly to the win by yelling at the TV, and I did my share by not looking directly the the screen, and sometimes leaving the room completely, during crucial plays. It was a real team effort, and victory feels fine!



Sunday, December 07, 2008

This. Week. Sucked.

My dear mr. olio underwent another surgery, and I had to fire a good friend...



Saturday, November 29, 2008

L’Etat, C’Est Moi! --god

Prompted by city officials, General Outdoor sign company has removed the Freedom From Religion Foundation's “Imagine No Religion” billboard in Rancho Cucamonga.
According to Redevelopment Director Linda Daniels, City Hall had received 90 calls of complaint since Wednesday.

"We contacted the sign company and asked if there was a way to get it removed," Daniels said.
I wasn’t at all surprised by Ms. Daniel’s open admission of guilt; such a brazen “fuck you” to the first amendment typifies the smug ignorance of god-botherers everywhere.

What did surprise me, though, was that a measly 90 complaints, in a city with a population of just under 170,000, were enough to prompt such swift government action. That’s good to know, because I just might start calling City Hall every time I’m forced to look at one of these ridiculous, mind-numbing ads

while stuck in rush-hour traffic.

Bonus quotation:
In September, the city asked a different sign company to take down an advertisement on Foothill Boulevard advertising a vagina rejuvenation procedure.
OMG! Vagina! What will we tell the children?!?!?!

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I’m especially thankful to be home with my dear mr. olio,* and I sincerely hope that all of you are able to spend the day with those you love, too.

And now here's a picture that made me laugh out loud:

*And I’m going to demonstrate said thankfulness by cooking enough turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, asparagus, gravy, and pecan pie to kill him with.


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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm Shippin' Out to Boston!

Boy, my new job sure is travel-intensive! Be back Monday...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

An Atheist Abroad

I just got back from a business trip to Italy. I stayed in Riva del Garda
and VeronaEverywhere I went, Obama's image was on the covers of newspapers and magazines, and his election was the main topic of conversation. Everyone was just so excited and optimistic. It was great!

I know these pictures are kind of shitty, but I was working, so what photos I did take were taken on the fly.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Shame on You!

Proposition 8 passed.

This is a sad, shameful day for California. Religious nuts spent millions saturating the airwaves with detestable lies in order to legalize discrimination.

I have a question for all you followers out there: Now that your leaders have outed themselves, as it were, as lying sacks of shit, do you wonder what else they might be lying to you about?


Probably not. I mean, if decades of unchecked boy-fucking didn't turn people away from the Cult of the Cannibals, why on earth would the mere telling of lies, no matter how outrageous, prompt anyone to question the holy divinations of a convicted fraud?

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

w00t! President Obama!

And yes, as a matter of fact, I am drunk. I'm celebrating, ferchristssake!

I'm still sweating the propositions here in California, though, especially 8. As exciting and uplifting as tonight has been, it'll be a sad goddamned day if we actually amend our constitution in order to exclude people. Fucking Mormons!

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Election 08: A Supernatural Pissing Contest

More proof that religious people are idiots and should just shut the fuck up already:
Before McCain spoke, a Christian pastor offered a prayer that seemed to ask* for divine intervention on his behalf. "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God -- whether it's Hindu,** Buddha, Allah -- that [McCain's] opponent wins for a variety of reasons," Pastor Arnold Conrad said. "And, Lord, I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they're going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens."
I have a couple of questions for this dumb hillbilly piss-ignorant hick pastor and his ilk: First of all, are you really so poorly informed that you think Hindu and Buddha are gods? Secondly, aren’t Christians supposed to be monotheists? And finally, why should an allegedly omniscient and all-powerful deity give a rat’s ass about the opinions of mere mortals?

Jesus F. Christ, these people are a national embarrassment.

*Really? “Lord, I pray for divine intervention” only seems like a prayer for divine intervention?

** Pastor Conrad's conception of The Great and Powerful Hindu:

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

“It’s G-g-g-good That You D-d-d-did That—It’s Real Good!”

“I don’t like people who don’t like me!”—god

Lately I’ve been hearing/reading interviews with disaster survivors (Hurricane Ike in Houston and the Galveston Bay area, the Metrolink train accident here in California) who are asked to discuss their brushes with death.

I don’t know if that many folks really attribute their survival to the intervention of a supernatural being or if the interviews are edited in favor of those who do, but it appears that a lot of people still give props to a higher power.

People seem terrified by the whimsical nature of their god and so afraid of incurring its wrath that, no matter what, they try their hardest to spin great misfortune as a positive development—which always reminds me of the classic Twilight Zone episode, “It’s a Good Life”:

Spot-on, isn't it?

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What Do You Do...

...when you haven't posted anything for a while and you think you should, but you're too tired lazy drunk to actually compose something? Why, throw up a Blogthings, of course!

You Are Boxing

You are assertive, strong, and downright aggressive.
You have the power to demolish your opponent...
And you have the endurance to make sure the job is finished.

(That's me, all right...)

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Monday, July 28, 2008

I’m the King o’ the Cats!

When I was a little girl, the The King of the Cats was one of my favorite stories. If you don’t know the tale, it goes something like this:

One cold winter’s evening the sexton's wife was sitting by the fireside with her big black cat, Old Tom, on the other side, both half asleep and waiting for the master to come home. They waited and they waited, till at last he came rushing in, calling out, 'Who's Tommy Tildrum?' in such a wild way that both his wife and his cat stared at him to know what was the matter.

'Why, what's the matter?' said his wife, 'and why do you want to know who Tommy Tildrum is?'

'Oh, I've had such an adventure! I was digging old Mr. Henry's grave when I guess I must have fallen asleep, and I only woke up by hearing a cat's Meow.'

'Meow!' said Old Tom in answer.

'Yes, just like that! So I looked over the edge of the grave, and what do you think I saw?'

'Now, how should I know?' said the sexton's wife.

'Why, nine black cats all like our friend Tom here, all with white chests. And what do you think they were carrying? Why, a small coffin covered with a black velvet pall, and on the pall was a small crown all of gold, and at every third step they took they cried all together, Meow—'

'Meow!' said Old Tom again.

'Yes, just like that!' said the sexton; 'and as they came nearer and nearer to me I could see them more distinctly because their eyes shone out with a sort of green light. Well, they all came toward me, eight of them carrying the coffin, and the biggest cat of all walking in front for all the world like—but look at our Tom, how he's looking at me. You'd think he knew all I was saying.'

'Go on, go on,' said his wife; 'never mind Old Tom.'

'Well, as I was saying, they came toward me slowly and solemnly, and at every third step crying all together, Meow—'

'Meow!' said Old Tom again.

'Yes, just like that, till they came and stood right opposite Mr. Henry's grave, where I was, when they all stood still and looked straight at me. I did feel queer, that I did! But look at Old Tom; he's looking at me just like they did.'

'Go on, go on,' said his wife; 'never mind Old Tom.'

'Where was I? Oh, they stood still looking at me, when the one that wasn't carrying the coffin came forward and, staring straight at me, said to me—yes, I tell you, said to me, with a squeaky voice, "Tell Tom Tildrum that Tim Toldrum's dead," and that's why I asked you if you knew who Tom Tildrum was, for how can I tell Tom Tildrum Tim Toldrum's dead if I don't know who Tom Tildrum is?'

'Look at Old Tom, look at Old Tom!' screamed his wife.

And well he might look, for Tom was swelling and Tom was staring, and at last Tom shrieked out, 'What—old Tom's dead? Then I'm the King o' the Cats!' and rushed up the chimney and was nevermore seen.

Neat, huh?

I’ve been thinking about this story a lot lately because, quite out of the blue, the owner of the company I work for offered me the Director position. . .

. . .and today I officially accepted her offer.


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Sunday, July 13, 2008


8000 people gathered in Laguna Niguel yesterday to moon passing Amtrak trains:
The crowd, which included children with their parents as well as middle-aged adults -- stood on the shoulder of a road parallel to the tracks to show themselves. The sideshow included barbecues, T-shirt sales and RV parties.
I’d never heard of this tradition before, so I Googled it and found the event Website. Apparently, the show is a real hit with passengers, and the trains actually slow down so people can get a better look.


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Monday, June 23, 2008

92%? Holy Crap!

Today’s LA Times cites a recent Pew survey which found that “92% of Americans believe in god or a universal spirit.” The Times poll asking its readers the same question, however, shows believers (so far) at 43.8% and the godless at 56.3%. Hooray for Hollywood!

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