Sex in Christ

Let your boyfriend hit ya where the good lord split ya!

[M]any Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

Parody or not? You decide…

Tags: sex in christ, anal sex, fundie follies, wtf?

You Learn Something New Every Day!

For example, I always thought that the UN voted to create the state of Israel, but apparently it was created by a miracle—and the UN "has hated them [sic] ever since." Also, I always believed natural disasters were, um, natural, but apparently they're sent by a homicidal deity* who goes absolutely batshit whenever anyone "messes with" his favorite patch of dirt.

See for yourself:


This explains a lot, doesn't it?

*"God is scary—to His enemies."

Tags: chick tracts, fundie follies

Prosperity Gospel

Also known as "Wish in one hand and shit in the other":

Stephen Biellier, a long-distance trucker from Mount Vernon, Mo., said he and his wife, Millie, came to the convention praying that this would be “the overcoming year.” They are $102,000 in debt, and the bank has cut off their credit line, Mrs. Biellier said.

[. . .]

The Bielliers were at the convention a few years ago when a supporter made a pitch for people to join an “Elite CX Team” to raise money to buy the ministry a Citation X airplane. (Mr. Copeland is an airplane aficionado who got his start in ministry as a pilot for Oral Roberts.) At that moment, Mrs. Biellier said she heard the voice of the Holy Spirit telling her, “You were born to support this man.”

She gave $2,000 for the plane, and recently sent $1,800 for the team’s latest project: buying high-definition television equipment to upgrade the ministry’s international broadcasts.

I almost feel sorry for these poor, dumb crackers...


Tags: prosperity gospel, fundie follies, kenneth and gloria copeland are douchebags

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I always wondered why chocolate is toxic to dogs...

L’Etat, C’Est Moi! --god

Prompted by city officials, General Outdoor sign company has removed the Freedom From Religion Foundation's “Imagine No Religion” billboard in Rancho Cucamonga.

According to Redevelopment Director Linda Daniels, City Hall had received 90 calls of complaint since Wednesday.

"We contacted the sign company and asked if there was a way to get it removed," Daniels said.

I wasn’t at all surprised by Ms. Daniel’s open admission of guilt; such a brazen “fuck you” to the first amendment typifies the smug ignorance of god-botherers everywhere.

What did surprise me, though, was that a measly 90 complaints, in a city with a population of just under 170,000, were enough to prompt such swift government action. That’s good to know, because I just might start calling City Hall every time I’m forced to look at one of these ridiculous, mind-numbing ads


while stuck in rush-hour traffic.

Bonus quotation:

In September, the city asked a different sign company to take down an advertisement on Foothill Boulevard advertising a vagina rejuvenation procedure.

OMG! Vagina! What will we tell the children?!?!?!

Tags: religion, atheism, rancho cucamonga, linda daniels, first amendment, vaginaplasty, vaginaphobia

Shame on You!

Proposition 8 passed.

This is a sad, shameful day for California. Religious nuts spent millions saturating the airwaves with detestable lies in order to legalize discrimination.

I have a question for all you followers out there: Now that your leaders have outed themselves, as it were, as lying sacks of shit, do you wonder what else they might be lying to you about?

Sigh.

Probably not. I mean, if decades of unchecked boy-fucking didn't turn people away from the Cult of the Cannibals, why on earth would the mere telling of lies, no matter how outrageous, prompt anyone to question the holy divinations of a convicted fraud?


Tags: religion, prop 8, mormons, lds, joseph smith was a big fat douche

Election 08: A Supernatural Pissing Contest

More proof that religious people are idiots and should just shut the fuck up already:

Before McCain spoke, a Christian pastor offered a prayer that seemed to ask* for divine intervention on his behalf. "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God -- whether it's Hindu,** Buddha, Allah -- that [McCain's] opponent wins for a variety of reasons," Pastor Arnold Conrad said. "And, Lord, I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they're going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens."

I have a couple of questions for this dumb hillbilly piss-ignorant hick pastor and his ilk: First of all, are you really so poorly informed that you think Hindu and Buddha are gods? Secondly, aren’t Christians supposed to be monotheists? And finally, why should an allegedly omniscient and all-powerful deity give a rat’s ass about the opinions of mere mortals?

Jesus F. Christ, these people are a national embarrassment.


*Really? “Lord, I pray for divine intervention” only seems like a prayer for divine intervention?

** Pastor Conrad's conception of The Great and Powerful Hindu:




Tags: religion, fundie follies, pastor arnold conrad, wtf?

“It’s G-g-g-good That You D-d-d-did That—It’s Real Good!”

“I don’t like people who don’t like me!”—god


Lately I’ve been hearing/reading interviews with disaster survivors (Hurricane Ike in Houston and the Galveston Bay area, the Metrolink train accident here in California) who are asked to discuss their brushes with death.

I don’t know if that many folks really attribute their survival to the intervention of a supernatural being or if the interviews are edited in favor of those who do, but it appears that a lot of people still give props to a higher power.

People seem terrified by the whimsical nature of their god and so afraid of incurring its wrath that, no matter what, they try their hardest to spin great misfortune as a positive development—which always reminds me of the classic Twilight Zone episode, “It’s a Good Life”:



Spot-on, isn't it?

Tags: religion, the twilight zone, hurricane ike, metrolink

92%? Holy Crap!

Today’s LA Times cites a recent Pew survey which found that “92% of Americans believe in god or a universal spirit.” The Times poll asking its readers the same question, however, shows believers (so far) at 43.8% and the godless at 56.3%. Hooray for Hollywood!

Tags: religion, superstition, atheism

Breaking News: Semi-Literate Hillbillies Don’t Much Cotton to Colored Fellers

Listen to this piss-ignorant cracker explain why he won’t vote for B. HUSSEIN Obama:

'We'll end up slaves. We'll be made slaves just like they was once slaves,' he said. Telvor, a white Democrat who supported Hillary Clinton in West Virginia's primary, said he planned to vote for Republican John McCain in November. 'At least he's an American,' he added with a disarmingly friendly smile.

Here’s the money quote:

'Obama might actually be the antichrist'

Hmm: Religious and racist. Isn’t that the strangest thing?

Tags: obama, racist, racism, hillbillies, wtf

Sharia Law: Decidedly Not PC

An Afghan college student downloaded an article and was sentenced to death by religious “scholars” who “lacked the sophistication to understand the difference between downloading an article and writing it.”

Here’s the money quote:

"The judges did not even know the difference between a keyboard and a monitor."

And why should they? As any religious kook will tell you, the modern world is a wicked, wicked place. The Bronze Age, however, was awesome.


Tags: islam, sharia law, fundie follies, wtf

Toy, Bear, Blasphemy, Islam: There’s Got to be a Pun Here Somewhere

A British teacher working in Sudan has been jailed for naming a teddy bear “Muhammad.” She’ll spend a few weeks behind bars then be deported, having “escaped harsher punishment that could have included up to 40 lashes, six months in prison and a fine.”

The blaspheming bear didn’t fare so well, though:

The bear’s battered corpse is displayed in the town square. To its right hangs the body of Fareeq, a plush representation of an openly gay field mouse.
image


Tags: muhammad the bear, fundie follies, religion, superstition

Warning: Contains Nuts/Nut Products

Hey, kids! Turn your secular candy into righteous Mormon candy!

Mmm! Celestial Cleaning!

And why eat a miniature Mr. Goodbar® when you can enjoy a delicious mini-Gordon B. Hinckley instead?



Tags: mormon, lds, gordon b. hinckley

Math for the Null Set

Here’s today’s presentation of I Shit You Not, courtesy of Christian Newswire :

This August and September, millions of children grades K-12 will be heading back to school. According to the projected figures put out by the National Center for Education Statistics, approximately 6.5 million children will be conducting their studies in private schools. In addition, an estimated 2 million children will be homeschooling (based on past trends reported by the NHERI). And all of these children, to one degree or another, will be learning math. But will they be learning math biblically?

The majority of Christian educators struggle with integrating math and the biblical worldview. Apart from an added scripture verse or spiritual thought at the bottom of the page, most Christian math curriculums differ very little from secular curriculums. Now at last there is an easy-to-read book parents and educators can use to both understand and teach math from a biblical perspective.

In clear, every-day language, Beyond Numbers dispels the common misconception that math is neutral and exposes the humanistic and naturalistic philosophies presented in typical math presentations. This book demonstrates how math points to God's character and how, when viewed from a biblical perspective, math becomes an exciting, real-life tool.

The entire second half of the book takes readers on a step-by-step journey through the teaching process. Although written with the homeschooling parent in mind, Christian school teachers, parents, and anyone else interested in viewing or teaching math biblically will find that this book contains a wealth of valuable information. The book explains how to recognize the harm in math books and how to transform math classes by teaching from everyday experiences. Practical suggestions, personal examples, curriculum reviews, and carefully documented references are all presented in a conversational, non-technical style.

The 97 page paperback book is illustrated with humorous cartoons that reinforce the book's message. Beyond Numbers retails at $8.99 ($5.99 as an eBook) and can be purchased from a variety of vendors or directly from the publisher at christianperspective.net. Media personnel can email info@christianperspective.net or call 703-352-0681 for a complementary review copy.

I am so ordering this!

Tags: religion, fundie follies, math

Getting Aggressive About The Passive

I overheard someone “quoting” Jesus today. I hear people do this quite often, and it really galls me: No one knows what Jesus said, or even if he said anything at all, because he never wrote anything down—and none of his contemporaries saw fit to record his words, either. So stop bearing false witness, Christians!

Granted, the passive construction “It is said that Jesus said…” doesn’t have the same authoritative ring to it, but at least it’s intellectually honest.

Tags: religion, christianity, jesus, english grammar

Is That a Jinn in Your Penis, Or Are You Just Glad to See Me?*

This morning I visited a Website teeming with straightforward answers to probing questions concerning Islam, aka the religion of peace:

I like this site because it has a helpful and informative jinn page. Did you know that these supernatural creatures can get married and have children? It’s true!

Jinn can have pets, too. Of course, we haven’t yet discovered what kind of pets they have, but we do know that these mysterious animals eat feces. Simple deductive reasoning leads me to think this is why some jinn like to live in bathrooms.

If you’d like to know if you have jinn in your home (and you probably do), remember that it is the bray of a donkey—not the crow of a rooster—that signifies the presence of jinn. Roosters are only useful for angel detection—although you may as well check for angels while you’re at it, right?

*Bonus jinn fact: A favorite prank involves entering the penises of non-vigilant humans during sex.

Tags: religion, islam, jinn, wtf?

Are All Religious People Idiots?

Well, I haven’t met all of them, but…

Kathryn Lehan, author of Save Yourself! The Plain Truth, had questions about God and couldn't get a straight answer so she wrote a book full of plain truths about God and how to radically transform your life with one simple prayer. She's not a pastor, a minister or a divinity student. She's just like you and me.

She sure is! Just like everyone else, whenever I have unanswered questions I just pull any old absurdity straight out of my ass and lovingly christen it “the plain truth.”

Here’s a shiny nugget of wisdom from Lehan’s irreproachable tome:

The first time I read the Pentateuch, I remember thinking how all they did back then was kill animals right and left, and I wondered how they had time to do anything else. Luckily God decided this wasn't working so well, particularly for the animals, or maybe the earth was running dangerously low on animals with all the sinning going on, so God stopped this practice. This may be what actually happened to bring about the extinction of the dinosaurs! We'll talk more about how and why animal sacrifice stopped in Chapter 4.

Right on, Kathryn! As written in Matthew 26:73, “Surely thou also art one of them, for thy speech betrayeth thee”!

Tags: religion, save yourself!, kathryn lehan, fundie follies, wtf?

An Emboldened Tinky Winky Vows Renewed Efforts in Furthering Homosexual Agenda

Now my power will know no bounds! Ahhahahahahaha!

Tags: jerry falwell, tinky winky

The Obligatory Falwell Post

My favorite quotation from the Tubby Televangelist:

"Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions."

So true.

Tags: jerry falwell

Yipes! Stripes!

I’ve been on my ass with a particularly nasty cold-flu hybrid, so I took the opportunity to test Ernest Angley’s magical healing prayer:

Lord, I bring the sick and afflicted to you today: the cancer victims, the heart patients, those with diabetes and all manner of sicknesses and diseases, the little ones that are afflicted. Healin the holy, all-powerful name of Jesus! Heal, in the blood name of Jesus! And we know, Jesus, with your blood stripes they're being healed right now. Heal! Heal, I pray! Amen and amen.

After repeating the prayer, all I had to do was “just watch all improvements daily and get well.” That’s it. No doctor, no medicine, nothing.

Now, I’m not sure if this is the same prayer that Angley uses to cure AIDS, but it works pretty darned good on colds: I’m beginning to feel better already, and it’s only been two weeks!

Tags: religion, superstition, ernest angley, bullshit artist