A God-Given Plan for Victory

Boo-hoo! Secularists are all upset about our new and improved rules for the treatment of suspects…That just goes to show you how godless those godless liberals really are: I mean, honestly, how many times do the words “habeas corpus” appear in the Bible? About as many times as “penicillin,” “equal rights,” or “Social Security” do, that’s how many! (That means “zero,” for all you smarty-pants, Constitution-worshipping Sodomites out there!)

Little by little, true Americans are rejecting Satan-inspired Enlightenment ideals and embracing those of the God-fearing Bronze Age. Glory! I say we take the gloves off and give our enemies a righteous taste of biblical justice!

GOD, our heavenly Commander-in-Chief, has written up some brilliant battlefield tactics and omnisciently and benevolently included them in the HOLY BIBLE for our use in modern warfare. These methods worked beautifully back in the day—Eat it, Amorites! Hasta la vista, Perizzites!—so why wouldn’t they work just as well now?

You’ve got to admire the ruthless efficiency of ripping pregnant enemy combatants to shreds, killing them and their horrible little pre-insurgent fetuses in one fell swoop: It’s a divinely inspired two-fer!

Or imagine—now, I’m just thinking out loud here, I haven’t quite worked out all the details—but imagine a trained army of she-bears that maul our enemy’s insolent children to death. Talk about “shock and awe”! Those evil little kids would shape up but quick, I’ll bet! Plus, we’d save a bundle on weapons,* and most of our troops could come home just as soon as we deploy the she-bears!

What’s your favorite Bible-based plan for total victory? Remember: If it’s in the Good Book, it’s all good!




*And bear food, if we also allow the bears to eat all the bad children they’ve mauled. That part of the Scripture isn’t clear to me.

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