An Open Letter to Wal-Mart

Dear Wal-Mart,

Recently, I had an epiphany while watching a DVD that contained footage of your inspiring Wal-Mart cheer. For some strange reason, as the associates writhed about while screaming “Give me a squiggly!” I envisioned the sacred spermatozoa. That got me to thinking about Wal-Mart’s prudent decision to forgo selling emergency contraception, which is the reason for this letter.

What is Wal-Mart’s policy regarding prescriptions for Viagra or Cialis? In other words, before making erections physically possible, are Wal-Mart pharmacists certain that they are morally permissible? If not, I sincerely ask that you immediately re-think company policy. I suggest that all male customers tendering such a prescription be required to show a valid certificate of marriage. Further, these men’s wives should have to accompany them and show proper identification. That way, your pharmacists will know that each man is in a monogamous, church-and-state-approved union to a woman of childbearing age. Otherwise, Wal-Mart might be unwittingly abetting these men in wasting their “squigglies” on some of the same wanton women who request emergency contraception—thoughtless women who all too late regret having had sex for pure pleasure or, in the case of rape, having been foolish enough to travel about unchaperoned.

In closing, I highly commend you for your virtuous resolution to withhold emergency contraception from women. Doing so was an important step, but I fervently hope it was but the first step toward a glorious era of truly righteous retail.

Sincerely Yours,

Lee

PS: I will write again soon with my thoughts on makeup, tank tops, and beer, all of which, unfortunately, you continue to distribute with reckless disregard.

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